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I'll go first. I had a pretty big 3 am type rant saved in a text file from a couple weeks ago so I'll just copy and paste that here. I don't expect anyone else to type this much bullshit out, and you can skip to the last paragraph to get the most relevant stuff.
Most people don't actually know me. They think they do, but it's not me. If I'm in a situation where I'm going to be around you, I fall into the role you expect me to play. I conform to the image in your head, because it makes life easier when you're not questioning what I'm doing/saying/whatever else. Good old "me", that's what everyone wants to see. That's ok - other people do the same thing around me. I don't blame them, it's just easier that way. It's stressful, though. Playing a role and continuing to not be myself does take some effort. It does certainly have advantages. It avoids long drawn out pointless conversations much like the rant I'm getting on with right now. It's not unique to anyone, either - I play roles for people I don't even know, based on what I expect them to want from me. I might play the coolio role if I think I can pull it off for a girl that I want to like me, based on looks alone. I might be a cool nerd for other nerds, making them want to be like me. I might be a black humored pseudo-philosophical stoner dipshit that makes off-the-wall comments about things, and can be expected to do the safely unexpected where possible. That's one of my favorite roles I play for people I'm not really trying to please. I get to have a lot of little rebellions in that role, showing that I can see through the cracks sometimes. People see that I see those cracks in our world, and then they can safely let me know that they see em too, and then we've had a little bullshit deep connection. Rarely, I forget that I'm trying to win that little game, and I'll meet someone while just being myself (and I don't even know what the fuck that actually means, if anything. Who am I, really? I just model myself after characters and situations I liked from movies/books/whatever - was I ever anything before I started building these other things onto myself? I've completely lost myself, the lines have all blurred together. But hey, I'm a much more likeable person now! There's a wide range of people I can appeal to, with these little character modifications that have taken over me. Mission successful!)
So, I have no direction in life. At all, none whatsoever, and I have no real desire to find a direction. I want to want one, but in reality, I just don't. I know - in our culture and society and all that shit, we're supposed to play the game - get a good career, hopefully find a wife, raise children, buy a house, have some investments, a retirement plan, everything in-between... none of it has enough gravity on me.
I don't think I really enjoy my life, I just continue it. I can fairly clearly see the bones and organs of the system we're governed by in this society, and I can follow the rules. Hair might be thinning - strike against me - too skinny - strike against me, but better than being fat - decent facial structure, score 1 for me - can adapt to most social situations and make fake friends to benefit myself in fake situations, bigger score - all the regular shit that everyone knows but doesn't usually think about. The unwritten rules of life, how to be a winner, how not to be a loser. I just don't really glean any life from it, you know? There's no satisfaction. It's not real, but I live inside of it, and I'm still affected by it. I get a boost when a girl looks my way, I get pissed off when someone makes a move against me at work, all the little things still affect me, even though I know they shouldn't because they're simply not real. Even now, you're probably thinking "that's just the way the world works, either accept it or die" in less harsh terms, but that just perpetuates the lie we're all living. Humans don't have to live this way - it isn't inherent to our (debatable) nature. We're all brought up to be strong, special, prideful, independent, and ready to politely fuck over anyone that might do the same to us. Just the way it is, right? We're the best of the best on the current planet, right?
Probably right, but why are so many of us depressed - especially us of my generation? Why do we keep blowing the FUCK up at seemingly minor problems? Someone insults someone else on the c-train, and a fistfight isn't enough - we have so much pride that we're ready to KILL the other guy. Really though, does that random guy have ANY idea who he's fucking with? He has no fucking idea what I've been through, and he's going to insult me now? (I've had those same thoughts flit through my head) We've had no major external conflicts in our lifetimes, we have no war or revolution to define ourselves by, everything seems like it's been handed to us on a silver platter by our hard working parents. It's true - a lot of things they worked hard for, we now reap the benefits.
But we're all fucking depressed as fuck! Are we just spineless leeches or what the hell is wrong with us? I'm thinking some of the problem is this - without having to constantly watch over our shoulder because of a war, or constantly check the news because of a cold war, or constantly party because of a hippy revolution, we've just had our lifetimes to think about what's real in this world. And that isn't a lot - at the very least, it isn't important. You gotta play the game to get respect, period, no exceptions unless you're ghandi. Better to win the game than to try and question (or change) the rules, that's for sure.
I'm nothing special. I'm still part of the game, mostly because I don't have enough drive or life or energy to reject it. I don't really know anyone who can. I end up walking half asleep through life, monitoring the hundreds of microtransactions in every human interaction - I'll befriend this person to get close to his cool friends, while he thinks being friends with me will increase his social status a bit because he looks better than me but I can bring a funny ironic humor to most conversations, and he wants to steal a bit of that. Tiny little things, all the time, every day, all adding to the shitpile until it overflows and somebody has a nervous breakdown or shoots up a school or kills himself or buys a porsche or beats his wife or gets drunk as fuck even though he works tomorrow.
Anyway, it's depressing that I never change. I'm still living in the fake world, and recently that was pretty clearly proven to me. I was walking home from work when I saw my ex-girlfriends car parked in front of my usual store. I didn't go in, because I didn't want that shitbomb of potential racing thoughts ruining my night. Now I won't have to think all the regular unspoken things - is she hotter now than she was before? Is she doing good in school while I'm wasting away in retail with no future? Does she have a new boyfriend, and is he cooler and more attractive and richer than I am? Should I have really broken up with her? I'll probably never find a girl as hot/smart/full of potential as her again - why the fucking hell did I ever think breaking up was a good idea? FUUUUUUCK!!!!!
Possible conflict avoided, right? I didn't go into the store.
Next day, I get a message over from my old coworker. Fucking genius sends me this message "Yo, have you seen x's new guy?!?!" I reply "Fuck, man, are you seriously talking about my ex girlfriend? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO KNOW THAT? You actually thought it was a good idea to send me that information? Jesus tittyfucking christ man, that's fucking great. Thanks a lot, truly, thanks".
Overkill in that response, right? But that's how strongly I felt about the situation. He quickly tried to make amends by telling me that the other guy is uglier than me and he has a receding hairline, too. You know what? Minor victory, I'll be able to sleep at night now, knowing I'm better looking than he is. Good work, coworker.
But seriously, why is this important? I broke up with her, and in the ideal world, I should be over her. Obviously I'm not, since she was the only person I ever honestly believed that I loved in a true sense. A naive true sense, but it was still true at the time, and holy sweet fuck do we EVER love to hold onto the past, right? Back on topic, the regular game/system rules were clearly still at play in my mind, even (in fact, especially!) when thinking about a person I once thought I LOVED. I clearly wanted to beat her! Nobody wants an ex to have a better life than them, right? But in the true reality, I should be happy if she's doing well, no matter what! I should NEVER take pleasure in beating someone! But, I did, and I do. It's obvious that I'm not very different from the many people sleepwalking through life, never questioning anything about the world and how they affect it. Just sucks though - I thought I was above that.
Ultimately, I end up seeming apathetic to the external eye. It's true, I am apathetic - to avoid having to think about what kind of effect I'm having on the world. Just like everyone else, I'm trying to live life for fun. Have a good weekend to contrast the shitty week, have a fucking party! Yeah! Take your shitty day and pass it onto someone else, so they can spread it to someone else, and it all just keeps going and going forever until something big snaps us back into focus, where we might congratulate ourselves over having seen and recognized the truth before going back into zombie sleepwalking mode for the next... month? Year? Maybe we never wake up to take a look around until we start losing our looks and therefore value in society. A midlife crisis, they often call it.
But, I'm not above it at all. I'm subject to all the regular rules, so maybe I should just give it up and start playing by them! Take advantage of being in one of the best countries in the world, with one of the highest qualities of life, and one of the highest rates of depression. Hell, universal depression for anyone with any wisdom or intelligence at all!
That's where I am. I know I'm not alone, not by a longshot. I know a lot of people don't like to think about it, because it's depressing. It IS depressing. I'm depressed as fuck, and I'm probably not ever going to get better. Nobody can change that, but I can medicate myself with a nice truck and a hot girlfriend. I'm not THAT fucked up yet. I can still get some fun from the daily grind sometimes! Almost guaranteed to get worse though, in between bouts of ass-kicking and proving my worth. Yeah, take that, world! I'm improving myself! I almost have a six-pack now!
The short history of how I got here is... raised in a highly religious small town, where everybody joined the church not because they necessarily believed, but because that's just what you did. Nobody wants to stand out when you're going to school with the same 90 people for 10 years. I left the church, and got minor respect from some people and minor disdain from most others. Of course, nothing seems minor in junior high school - all the social interactions back then seemed supercharged. I wanted to everyone to like me, but I had to develop some social skills before that could happen, so I sat back and watched everyone until I could act like them. I ultimately ended up feeling smarter than the church goers, which fostered a nice elitism which I then nurtured with the help of the internet. That's still with me today, although I don't think I like it anymore. So I'm a somewhat shy elitist nerd in disguise that can carry on a conversation.
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